Fight or Flight/Script
Camillio: on a couch with a storybook "Hey, what's up, mini chicos and chiquitas. Welcome to Uncle Cam's, uh, Crazy Loco Banana Storytime o'clock." the storybook to show pictures "Once upon a time there was a stink ninja, who huffed and puffed and stole my boy Lee's super handy cool key. Totally un''cool, mini muchachos. And so Tweedletough, Tweedlefluff, and yours truly tried to get it back. We kinda failed though, well mostly them, and now the Evil Queen and her Council totally have both keys yo! So the Lady in Black like, used the keys, but kinda cracked the pyramid the wrong way, and got majorly whacked by some like, ancient snooze button. Buenos noches señorita! Which brings us to Sleeping Unbeauty, a.k.a. Niles Peg, a.k.a. the nerd who kept taking out the book from the library. Did the pyramid cast a sleeping curse on him too? That's for the Junior Nerdettes, Jenny and Tina to figure out." ''to himself "And the handsome prince found out the court jester was also being blackmailed, so they joined forces to bring light to the darkness man, and restore peace and like mucho, mucho handsomeness to the kingdom. What? I'm like oozing with handsomeness." ---- Detentionaire ---- plane pulls in to Buttonford. Two green reapers are waiting for it. Lee runs through the woods towards the plane. Suddenly, the reapers receive a message and take off just as Lee arrives. Lee: panting "Maybe she was bluffing?" sees a figure on the roof crouching behind a tripod-mounted instrument with a scope. "Then again, maybe she wasn't!" calling "DAD!" Ping steps off of the plane. The scope centers itself between his eyes. ---- Earlier that day... school bus rolls down a country road. Camillio: "Nature field trip? Like in the outside? That's super lamestyles, yo. Like what are we supposed to do, watch squirrels climb trees and moles like, dig stuff?" Holger: "Cam! You are having it backwards, okay? Squirrels live on the ground. Moles live in the eucalyptus trees!" Camillio: "Eucalyptus? You're thinking koala bears, dude." Holger: "No." rudely "Me be thinking you be moving your squiggly super-sizey head, so Holger can I spy with ze gootenhappy chai his possible being most mortal enemy of all time!" Cyrus: "Koalas? Squirrels? Euca trees? What''ever.'' Out here we're free, man! No more blackmail, time to get back to nature!" singing "Back to nature! No one to blackmail me!" normally "That's all I got, but it's pretty killer eh?" Camillio: "Uh yeah, sure." Holger "Dude, you keep looking at him like that, he's gonna kill you." Holger: "Holger no care. Steve be trying to steal ze Greta." Cam's head "Why she like him? His head is most small and his muscles too large." Biffy is on his phone. Lee: "And that woman in black totally got zapped and no one even cared." Biffy: "Dude, if you think that's crazy, guy that stole your key? Y'know, sulfur-smelling devil ninja? He's total evil villain material! Guy runs a casino and has a snake!" Lee: "Whoa. All he's missing is a marble for an eye and a hook for a hand." Biffy: "Yeah, right. And get this. Guy asked like a zillion questions about you and your parents!" Lee: "Really? My parents?" a note outside a classroom "Mister Langhorne's classes today are cancelled due to a field trip." Biffy: "What?" Lee: "I was just–" line cuts in and out. "Biffy? You're breaking up." Biffy: "Yeah, we're out in the middle–" line cuts out completely. Lee: "Hello, Biffy, still there?" tries to call Biffy back. Biffy's Answering Machine: "Hey, don't even bother." sighs. ---- is standing in the hall by the entrance to school, watching the doors with a stern look on her face. She checks the time on her phone, and at 8:18 A.M. the Outcasts wander in. Tina: "Finally." approaches Jenny. Jenny: "Well, library, later." ditches her friends. Tina jogs up to her. "Um, are you stalking me?" Tina: "No, I was just–" friendly "Pretty crazy with the whole zapping thing, huh?" doesn't respond. "So, are you heading to the library now, t-to research the book?" Jenny: her eyes "Gee Inspector Obvious, what gave it away, me holding the book or me walking to the library?" Tina: annoyed "Is that attitude thing of yours on a constant loop?" Jenny: "Something like that." reach the library. "I'm at my scheduled place of arrival, so why don't you go to yours? Check in on Niles Peg or something." Tina: "I already went to the detention room. It's locked." rolls her eyes and walks into the library. "Wait! Maybe we should just–" Jenny: "What, work together? Heck, maybe you're right. We could be Bonnie and Betty Brave, detective sisters in The Case of the Would You Get Off My Back and Go Away Already?!?" walks away. Tina: following "Fyi they totally solved that case. You know how? Betty changed her bad attitude and realized Bonnie was just trying to help her." doesn't respond as she flips through the book. Tina leans over the table to take a look as well. Jenny: "Ever heard of a little something called personal space?" Mrs. Alice: "Ssh!" walks over to the other side of the table and joins Jenny in looking over the book. Tina: whispering "Whoa, go back!" flips back a couple of pages to a page depicting the pyramid's curse. Jenny: in nose "Okay that, is creep to the p." Tina: at the finger "Yeah, tell me about it." ---- walks over to the detention room in place of his morning class. He presses a button on the keypad. Lee: "Locked! Shoot." door slides open. Cassandra: the phone "But I don't care what he said. Hold on." to Lee "Mister Ping. You finally arrived. Sit." Lee: "How'd you know I'd–" Cassandra: "Be here? Because your first period class was cancelled, and as we all know, all your free time is–" Principal General Barrage: into the room "Detention time! Oh. Miss McAdams. Didn't realize you were here. Howdy-do, chickpea stew." Cassandra: "I'm not here. And neither are you." the principal's body locks up, and a blue symbol flashes in front of his robotic eye. He stiffly turns and walks out of the room. Lee: shocked "You're controlling him with your phone?" Cassandra: "I'm controlling him with my phone, the stock market with my investments, the politicians with threats, your food supply with what's going to be the hottest new ranch flavor. But the one thing I can't seem to control, is you." Lee: "Well uh–" Cassandra: "Take that as a compliment and shut up." shoves him into a chair. "Here's what I need you to do." a piece of paper from her purse "Draw me a map of all your routes in and out of the underground tunnels." walks away, talking on her phone as she goes. "You still there? Move the funds from the IPO to an offshore account." leaves the room. The door stays open. Lee crumples up the piece of paper. Lee: "Yeah, I won't be doing any of that." throws the paper away and walks up to the teacher's desk. "Niles? Niles Peg?" teacher snores. "Is this Snorse code? One snore for no, two for yes. What happened to you? Did you get zapped by the pyramid too?" teacher snores. "Okay, is that a no or just a snore?" teacher snores twice. "Two snores! So it is just a snore." snore. "That's just one snore. So wait it's not just a snore then." teacher snores thrice. "Okay. I'm lost." ---- has disembarked from the bus, which has reached its destination. Mr. Langhorne: "Each pair is assigned a nature subject. Cam and Cyrus." and Cyrus smile at each other as they receive their envelope. "Biffy and Grayson. McKenzie and Trevor. Nasasha and Dickie. Holger and Steve." and Steve look at each other. Steve: "Sir, can I have a different partner?" Mr. Langhorne: them together "Blondie, meet Muscles. Muscles, Blondie." their envelope "And you'll be doing a report on squirrel habitats." walks away. Holger: angry "So, Monsieur Muscles, also secretly known as Mister Greta-stealer, ve are to be partnered in squirreliest squirrelitry." Steve: "Whatever lanky." walks into the woods. Holger follows. "Me and her? C'mon, really? It ain't what you think. Just gimme that." grabs the sheet. Holger: "Not lanky, okay? Blondie. And you are Muscles. And Blondie is not liking how this day is beginning." and Cyrus have ventured into a different part of the woods without even opening their envelope. Cyrus: "So, what we got?" opens the envelope, and a yellow sheet of paper falls out. Camillio: "Dude! It's from the blackmailer!" reading "Mister President and Captain Tophat. Can you please do me a big favor and would one of you eat a buncha live beetles?" Cyrus: "No. Way. Let me see." grabs the paper to look for himself. "And could the other person film it? You decide who does what, send the video to this email by seven P.M. or–" gasps. Camillio: "These photos go to the principal? And you get expelled?" Cyrus: "Whoa! Heavy! So, we gotta–" Camillio: quickly "It's gonna be tough bro but y'know maybe if you wash the bugs down with Splat it won't be that bad." hands Cyrus a can of Green Apple Splat and takes out his phone. "And, action!" Cyrus: "Whoa, whoa, back it up kemosabe. It don't work like that, okay? Let's let Lady Luck decide." a coin in the air "Call it." Camillio: "Heads! Me and Lady Luck are tight." catches the coin, slaps it onto the back of his hand, and takes a look at it. Cyrus: "Uh, best two out of three?" ---- the library, Tina has brought a bunch of other books to the table. She is looking through one of them while Jenny continues to examine the main book. Tina: her book "Okay, none of these books on ancient languages have anything on that particular type of hieroglyphic." moves to turn a page. "Bleuch! Do you mind not using your nose-picking finger to turn the pages?" Jenny: "But the boogers help the pages stick!" Tina: "Gross!" Jenny: up her finger "Wanna know what's even grosser?" and Tina have an impromptu wrestling match and end up knocking the books to the floor. Mrs. Alice: shocked "My babies!" over "It's okay, Mummy's here." angry "You injured a spine you book-killer!" Tina: cowering "I'm really sorry! I'd never purposely hurt a book!" Mrs. Alice: gaping "Ooh! Is that what I think it is?" and Tina realize what the librarian is looking at. Jenny: the book out "Can you–translate this?" Mrs. Alice: the book "Of course! But only in private. Come with me." ---- headphones are on Niles Peg's head and turned all the way up. Lee: "C'mon, really? If DoD on full blast doesn't work nothing will!" phone rings. He unplugs it from the headphones and answers it. "Go for Lee." Cassandra: "Mister Ping, time's up. Email the map." Lee: "Just finishing it up now." takes a photo of himself making a stupid face. "Here you go. Enjoy." sends the picture. Seconds later, he gets a reply. "'Funny.' Yeah I thought so too. 'Do you want to know what else is funny.'" taps the attachment. It is a picture of Lee's mom sitting down, eyes shut and hands in her lap, as The Serpent holds a sharp razor blade close to her neck. Lee: scared "Mom?!?" ---- and Cyrus are still flipping coins in the forest. At this point, it has become a delaying tactic. Camillio: "Tails!" looks at the coin and sighs. Cyrus: defeated "Okay. Best thirty out of fifty?" Grayson and Biffy are working on possums. Grayson: "Those two are definitely BF GF." Biffy: "Wait up. Looks like we got another contender for the mating game." Grayson: at it "That runt? Don't you know how the world works? Girl possums like that don't go for small boy possums." fiddles with a bag of nuts. "Hey, you gonna help me write our possum report or what?" Biffy: a nut to the small possum "Here, smally smally smally. Grayson doesn't have faith in you but I do." out some seeds "With a little tlc and a major fur makeover, you'll be the handsomest possum at the watering hole!" possum climbs into his hand. Grayson wheels off disgustedly. "Who's the handsomest?" possum chitters. "Well me first but you're a very close second. Yes you are! And I'm gonna lead you over to someone you should meet!" rubs the possum's fur. "She's hot." ---- detention, Lee takes out his phone and makes a call. Mrs. Ping: answering "Lee?" Lee: relieved "Mom! You're okay!" Mrs. Ping: "Of course! Why wouldn't I be? I'm at the salon. I'm picking your father up from the airport in forty-five minutes and want to look nice. And, there's a hot new stylist." Serpent walks up behind her. Lee: "Yeah, right. Does he happen to smell like rotten eggs?" Mrs. Ping: "Hmm. Now that you mention it–" Serpent yanks her phone away and covers her eyes. The Serpent: "No time to chatty chat, okay?" removes his hand, revealing that he put cucumber slices over Mrs. Ping's eyes. "Only time to look fabulous! When I am through with you, your husband won't even recognize you!" hangs up on Lee and takes out his razor blade. "Three-quarters of an hour so he gets in just a little past nine-thirty, hmm? Okay." detention, Lee gets another call. Cassandra: "You see that's the thing about things that are funny. They turn ugly so very fast." Lee: panicked "Okay! There's only one way down. At the back, by a brick wall near a bunch of bushes. There's a tunnel." Cassandra: "Who else knows about it?" Lee: nervous "No one. Only me. I–dug it. It took five weeks. Just leave my mom alone!" Cassandra: "Oh your mom's fine. Our mutual friend is a fabulous stylist. I just hope your dad's around to see it." darkly "You know, you really shouldn't have lied to me." hangs up. Lee: "Huh?" scared "Hello?" cell phone beeps with a new message: a picture of his father's plane ticket. "Dad?" message, this one a photo of two reapers on the runway. "Is she for real?" determined "Okay Lee c'mon fix this. Call her back." tries but gets a busy signal. His next attempt gets the same result. "Call Dad? No he's on a plane! Call Mom." the salon, Mrs. Ping's phone vibrates harmlessly on a counter while The Serpent hacks at her hair. The Serpent: "Your hair is to die for. What's your background?" ---- and Holger are digging a hole. Steve: "So? When do you think we'll strike squirrel gold? Are you sure they live underground? Greta would know." Holger: "Ja. And she would also know tis no squirrel gold, it is squirrel treasure, okay? So. My Greta. Ven do you think you will be loving her, hmm, answer the query." Steve: "I don't love Grets! She's just tutoring me! I'm bad at the school!" groans. "Agh. I'm talking like you now." ---- and Jenny are in the librarian's office. Mrs. Alice: "And then the little book said to the big book, 'That's my porridge.'" Tina: to Jenny "I don't think the librarian really knows how to translate the book." Jenny: whispering "Gee, y'think?" finger is back in her nose. Tina: disgustedly "Can you stop doing that? Please?" Jenny: her finger out and whispering "I can't, it's a curse! I-I don't wanna talk about it." normally "Uh okay Missus Librarian, I'll just take that back and we'll vamoose." Mrs. Alice: the book away "But this is Niles' book." Tina: "Niles Peg? Do you know him?" Mrs. Alice: "Who?" Tina: "Niles Peg. You just said this is Niles' book." Mrs. Alice: "Are you putting me on, this isn't Niles' book." Jenny: her eyes "Okay, riddler on the roof, whose book is it?" library blows the dust off of a film strip, and the students cough. Mrs. Alice: "Why it's his book." and Jenny look at each other, uncertain of whether or not the librarian is completely there. ---- walks into the library, still trying to get a connection. Lee: his phone "Tina? Tina, you here?" another number "Jenny?" noticing "Wow, even the queen of shushing isn't here." Holger's Answering Machine: "Holger says hal-lo." Lee: up "Okay, another strike. The boys are all down, and now so are the girls." gets a call. He answers it. Cassandra: "So have you figured out what you're going to do?" chuckles sinisterly. "You're running out of time." Lee: desperate "Wait, don't hang up. What do you want?" gets a dial tone. "Hello? Hello?!?" gets a new message. "Do it for dear old–Dad? Another attachment?" clicks on the attachment, and his phone shows a black screen with a red skull that cannot be moved. "She hacked my phone! It's dead!" looks at the clock. It ticks over to 8:58. "I gotta just go for it. Like now!" ---- flips a coin into the air and slaps it against his wrist. His face breaks into a grin. Camillio: "It's tails, man, tied, ninety-nine all! First one to a hundred right?" Cyrus: the coin "It's my toss, and your call." flips the coin. Camillio: "Heads!" chuckles. "No! Tails, tails, definitely tails." coin falls past him. "Wait, heads!" his eyes "Definitely heads!" Cyrus: at the coin "Heads." Camillio: "Yeah!" dancing "Beep, ba-ba-ba-bomp, wha-ah-ah-ee-ne-ne-na, lookatme lookatme lookatme!" empathetic "Oh, dude, I'm so sorry man. Well just think of it as like super-crunchy peanut butter." out his phone "Beetle-eating blackmail scene, take...one!" picks up a beetle. Cyrus: softly "If you promise to not taste nasty, I promise to eat you...fasty." raises the beetle to his lips and then puts it down. "Uguh–I can't do it." Camillio: "Dude you have to. Or we're both gonna be expelled, man!" Dickie: "Don't be afraid to do it." and Cyrus look through the bushes and see Dickie and Nasasha undergoing the torture. "You know, I hear eating beetles is really good for the complexion." Camillio: "Wha?" the phone to Cyrus "Ohnkay like hold the phone bro. Hey!" walks into the clearing. "Did you guys buy a paper from Grayson too?" Dickie: "Yeah, how'd you know?" grabs their note and looks at it. Nasasha: "Ew!" looks up and sees that McKenzie is filming Trevor trying to eat a beetle. Camillio: shocked "Wow dudes, you too?" ---- is crouched in some bushes. The cleaner guarding the school entrance leaves its post. Lee: "This is it. Now or never." runs for the school gates. Suddenly, the principal leaps in front of him. Principal General Barrage: "Whoaya! Busted! Mister Ping, sneaking out? When will you learn you'll never outsmart an old billygoat like me?" laughs. "Baa! You're in so much trouble! Hoo-ey! Ooh, I'm actually gonna en''joy'' this!" gulps. ---- principal holds Lee up by the neck of his shirt. Lee: "Sir, honestly, I don't know if you are working with them, or if they have control of your cyborg brain, or–" Principal General Barrage: "Hoowoo! Someone's controlling my eensy-weensy tiny little robot brain, and that explains why you're out here, and not in detention?" Lee: "No, but–" Principal General Barrage: "No buts is right Mister Ping!" threateningly "Get ready to meet your maker." Barrage's cyborg eye turns blue and flashes a blue symbol across his vision. Principal General Barrage: vacant "Message received. A-cquire shovel and fill hole." general drops Lee and walks over to a shovel leaning up against the fence. Lee: "Okay that's both good and bad. I'll just take the good part for now." runs through the parking lot and gets on his skateboard when he sees a car heading in his general direction. He grabs the car and lets it tow him away. Back at the school, the principal regains consciousness as soon as he finishes filling up the hole. Principal General Barrage: disturbed "What am I doing here?" ---- Alice is showing Jenny and Tina an old newsreel. Newsreel Announcer: "News of the week! Much ballyhooed inventor Maxwell Finnwich mysteriously resigns as co-director of the world's largest company, Mann Wurst Finnwich." reaches for a handful of Tina's popcorn. Tina visibly recoils. Jenny: "Relax, it's the other hand." lets Jenny take a handful of popcorn. Newsreel Announcer: "Then, sudden tragedy struck, as Finnwich's palatial manor mysteriously burned to the ground. Arson? Faulty wiring? Or perhaps a haphazardly placed pipe?" picture of Finnwich's grave is shown. "Whatever the case, the result was the same. His last will proclaimed all his belongings would be given to the poor and destitute. And his vast literary collection, donated to local school, Alexander Nigma High." spittakes on a mouthful of popcorn. Jenny: "So the book used to belong to him?" Mrs. Alice: "Ssh!" Newsreel Announcer: "Although it's only been weeks since his demise, there have already been random Finnwich sightings around the world. Could it be true? Or just wishful thinking?" Tina: to Jenny "Lee's seen him! So he did survive!" Mrs. Alice: "Bingo!" Jenny: to her "Really? We're right?" Mrs. Alice: "Hmm? What's that? Oh all I know is I win that toaster." holds up a completed bingo card. "Now hand it on over! Another round?" and Jenny look at each other. ---- runs through the woods. He spots a plane landing at the airport. Lee: "It's Dad's flight! It got in early!" sprints toward the runway. Two green reaper robots raise their arms. Lee: "Hey! No, don't!" ---- and Steve continue to dig their hole. Steve offers Holger a bottle of water. Holger: "Ah, nature. So three-D. I vish the Greta was here. She's my everything." Steve: "I get it bro. She's pretty cool for a nerd. She's not my type, but when she's helping me with quadratic fractions, her unibrow does this thing you know, it's–well it's kinda cute." Holger: "Like when she is talking about algebra and her voice gettings all in the high pitchy place?" nods. "The Greta is amazingly pretty." Steve: "And pretty amazing too." Holger: happy "Oh! Holger see what Steve do. You make words go the flippy!" laugh and return to work. Steve: something "Squirrel gold!" Holger: the same time "Squirrel treasure!" ground rumbles and the hole spits yellow-green glop onto Steve and Holger. Steve: disappointed "Squirrel gold stinks!" Holger: "Holger said it was squirrel treasure! And also, runenfloofen!" points at a swarm of insects headed their way. Steve and Holger quickly hightail it out of there while the insects chase them. ---- plane slows to a stop. The two reapers stop holding their arms out, get a message, and fly away. Lee: panting "Maybe she was bluffing?" looks up and spots a shadowy figure with a machine on a tripod. The figure is looking through a scope. Lee: "Then again, maybe she wasn't! Dad!" scope locates a position between Alfred Ping's eyes and follows him as he walks down the steps of the aircraft. Lee: "Oh no you don't!" runs forward. ---- and Tina follow Mrs. Alice back into the main part of the library. Tina: "So you knew that this book used to belong to Finnwich?" Mrs. Alice: "Ssh." Jenny: "Okay, seriously, no one's even in here, stop shushing us!" Tina: "Please! You showed us that film. Why? Do you really know Finnwich?" Mrs. Alice: "I don't mean Ssh as in Ssh! I mean Ssh as in Ssssshhh." librarian toddles away. Jenny and Tina look at each other. Tina: "Lee's gonna freak." Jenny: "Oh, maybe I should tell him then." Tina: "Why? No, I'm telling him." Mrs. Alice: "Ssh!" Tina: whispering "Fine! We'll tell him together." and Jenny leave the library. ---- runs onto the roof of the airport. Lee: "No please don't!" stops and sees there's no one else around. He walks to where the figure was and looks out. "Mom?" parents are kissing. "Gross. But kinda nice too." picks up a piece of paper by his feet and reads it. "Have you heard the saying curiosity killed the cat?" annoyed "So this was all just a big game to freak me out? And now I'm so not where I should be!" the paper immolates in his hand. "Ow! What the–" sniffs the air and sneezes. "That smell. You here?" a decision "I gotta get back to school!" races through the door to the roof. He pulls it shut, revealing that The Serpent was hiding behind the open door all along. ---- is filming Cyrus. Cyrus pukes onto the ground. Camillio: "And cut. Mucho convincing, bro. It almost feels like I'' ate the beetle." ''growls and glares angrily at Cam. Camillio: "Well, don't all your rock star heroes eat weird stuff man? Like this could be your thing, you know, like everybody would be all like Cyrus is so crazy, in school he used to eat beetles alive, yo!" Cyrus: against a rock "Okay. Maybe I do feel a little bit better." smiling "Yeah! I eat beetles, man, what of it?" and playing "I'm your urban legend eating beetles raw, ate a beetle's thorax just to get to its jaw, I'm a beetle eater." starts dancing. "Oh yeah, I'm a beetle eater!" Holger: "Runenfloofen!" and Steve run past, still covered in goo. Cam and Cyrus stop. Camillio: "Aw, what's that smell, it's so gross!" pukes, and Cam barely prevents himself from doing the same. They then see the approaching swarm and run away, diving into some bushes to evade the swarm. They land in front of some possums and when they look up they spot Biffy happily feeding them nuts and seeds. Biffy laughs and takes some for himself before offering the bag to Grayson, who gladly accepts his offer. ---- school, Lee has a video chat with Jenny and Tina. Jenny and Tina: rapidly "And then we figured out that the book belongs to Finnwich!" Lee: "Why are you guys talking in stereo?" Jenny: "We made a deal to tell you at the same time, because we couldn't agree on who should tell you first." Tina: "And then you never answered your phone." Lee: "Yeah, Kimmie's mom sorta screwed it up. Biffy's fixing it." forward "Hey watch your backs guys. Things are getting weird out there." Jenny: "Getting weird?" Mr. Ping: his head into the room "Lee. It's dinner time." Lee: "I'll tell you guys about it all tomorrow. But seriously, these guys mean business." ends the chats. Mr. Ping: "Who means business?" Lee: "Oh, nothing. I'm just so happy you got home safe Dad." Mr. Ping: "Ha. How else would I get home." Lee: "Oh, I don't know. Hey, where were you anyway?" Mr. Ping: "Oh, here and there, it's all very boring to a young person like you." Lee: "Not really, but just–don't ever leave again, okay? Like ever." Mr. Ping: his son's head "Okay son I won't. C'mon, let's eat, your amazing mom made her famous hot dogs!" Lee downstairs "How does she do it, I can't even boil water!" Lee: they enter the kitchen "That's your problem Dad, boiling water is how you make hot dogs." Mr. Ping: "Really? You know a lot, son." Serpent watches them gather in the dining room from his motorcycle, which is parked outside. He flips through three pictures on a small device: one of Mrs. Ping, one of Mr. Ping, and one of Lee Ping. He then starts the motorcycle and speeds away from the small suburban house they inhabit.